It's almost show time. I can't believe I have to sit back and watch Slammo destroy the Jamboree. Everything I've worked so hard for! Do I call Keaton? FLAZZLESNACKS! I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a place that's as hard as a rock... like, maybe, another rock. Like I'm stuck between two rocks, really. Except one rock looks like a robot and one looks like a cricket.

My little heart trembles at the sound of those crickets! What makes that noise, anyway? Their teeth chattering together? Their wings? They're really scary. They remind me of those things in that movie where those evil creatures mimicked what humans looked like but then would swoop in and eat them. I think it had Oscar winner Mira Sorvino in it. I think it was called "Imitators."

Anyway, I really need to figure out how to get my show back... Before Slammo has us both out on our tushies looking for new jobs. I won't go back to my bathrobe, down-and-out helium addiction days! I WON'T, I TELL YA!

Listen up, people! This week I decided to use Jamboree as a chance to drop a knowledge bomb on yer asses. Oh, sure... I got some plans to talk TV, too... but first things first we gotta get on the same page about some serious shit heading our way. What am I talking about? Guess you'll have to tune in to find out. Want a hint? Tough tits! Hints are for pussies.

So, prepare for some smartie shrapnel to get embedded in your brainage. This week is gonna be the best goddamn episode of TV Jamboree to date. And I guarantee it'll be 100-percent Sloshie-free. And at least one Sloshie WAS hurt in the making of this episode. Ha!

About fucking time. I'm finally rid of Sloshie and can run this show how I damn well please. All my chumming around with those crickets has definitely paid off. For a union they really were lacking leadership and a clear objective. Glad I could steer them in a productive direction: puppet disposal.

And now, Jamboree... how to bring the whoop-ass to the masses? First things first: this place is seriously lacking in stripes and stars. I'm gonna fix that pronto. Let there be no mistake that the place where this robot's heart would be belongs to none other than the good ol' U-S-of-goddamn-A. Also, a show ain't a show without some explosions or guns. I'm fixing that, too. All pussies best stay the hell out of my way from here on out.

I'm gonna think about what the focus of my next episode is gonna be. I'll keep you retards posted.

This is terrible!

My cute face still hurts – not to mention my cuddly pride – from those mean crickets! I can't believe Slammo would stoop so low! I mean, I guess I can believe it, but still! What a jerk!

I'm not even sure what to do... I can't get back into the basement to ensure a successful episode of Jamboree, but I can't really tell Keaton I allowed Slammo to gain control of the show with a group of renegade crickets! I could get fired! And then who would help John and Jane Q. Public decide what to watch on their boob-tube?

For now I'm going to lay low and stay out of trouble. I can hear some weird sounds coming from the Jamboree set. It's either gunfire or fireworks... and either way I don't want to be anywhere near it! I'm highly flammable!

I dunno what that little green freak is up to, but I don't like it. Him and those Keaton cocksuckers have been busy in the basement for days.... And I don't trust it.

Good thing I talked to Sonny again. He and his cricket pals are pretty ticked off they weren't hired to help clean up and rebuild the set. I assured them this was all Sloshie's fault. I mean, to NOT hire F.O.R.K. once is insulting, but twice? Man, those krickets (sic) are PISSED!

It would be a shame if they suddenly attacked and killed Sloshie. Then I'd have to do the show all by myself.

Howdy, folks!

Just an update to let you know that the Jamboree set is almost back to pre-Boner perfection. We've been working night and day to get everything in tip-top-tastic shape! And we even have a few new surprises for you!

I'm really excited for these last few episodes... and my delightfully lovely special friend at Keaton has been so great... one of my favorite new parts of the show was totally her idea! It's GOLDEN! You'll see!

Yay!

I was right. It was a UFO. What I didn't know was that retards exist on other planets.

The government should do something to prevent more of these things from invading our home planet. I mean, at least set up deflector shields so the spaceships bounce off and land somewhere we don't care about. Like . Or Japan. Or . You know, some place that deserves a visit from retarded aliens.

Maybe I'll get in touch with some of my old buddies from the Pentagon. Those bastards owe me.

Flazzlesnacks. I can't believe the mess Boner left behind. To be fair, I guess it wasn't his fault. A UFO has to land somewhere... and I can't believe I met a real space alien! I wish he would have stayed longer so I could ask him about his home planet. Where is it? What is it called? Are there space bunnies there? I'd love to meet a space bunny.

I've been talking with my sweet, special friend at Keaton and I think we'll have the show back on track soon...

As for Slammo, I'm starting to think he may be more of a problem than a solution for my return to superstardom. I think I've done everything I could to make him part of the Jamboriffic magic of the show. Now it's time to look out for numero uno. That's me, silly!

Not sure how to crack this stupid UFO open. I've been trying for hours but the thing is made pretty well... which is why I KNOW this ain't no Gerry flying machine. Plus there ain't no swastikas on it. At least not on the outside. I'll know more once I crack it open.

This basement is pretty trashed. Sloshie's gonna have a bitch of a time cleaning it up.

Oh, that's if he's actually alive. Some of the ceiling caved in on him. So, he may be dead or something. Whatever.

Things are looking a little bit brighter.

I've been spending time with Ms. Keaton. She and I had dinner last night and it was magical! We talked about TV Jamboree, and we talked about my vaudeville days, and we went for a long walk under a full moon, and we held hands, and then she took me back to her apartment and then... well... a gentleman puppet never makes sweet, sweet love and tells! That's just tacky!

Ms. Keaton makes me feel like all things are possible. Sure, maybe Slammo killed Mr. Trunkalump. And yeah, maybe he talked those crazy crickets into thinking I hate them or something. But with my lovely lady by my side, everything is gonna be okay.

Don'cha just love LOVE?

I thought I could just go back to focusing on the Jamboree, but killing those animals really has me wondering if show business is the right business for a robot like me.

Did I kick the shit out of Nazis so I could end up taking shit from some sissified sock puppet? Did I watch my brothers die on the battlefield so I could suffer the death of my pride on a weekly basis?

If things don't change someone is gonna get hurt. And I'm willing to bet on the dead corpse of a kamikaze pilot that someone ain't me.

Have I mentioned my clips on the show somehow never seem to work? I'm gonna figure that out, too.

Hey, Sloshie... better check the forecast... looks like a 90-percent chance of a beating is approaching from the south...

Sometimes life isn't one big box of shit stuffed with crap. Why? Did you watch the show? Well, if you missed it, go watch it. I'm not sure if elephanticide is a word... but it is now.

It felt good to kill something after so many years without blood on my hands. And besides the fact that the big stupid elephant was asking for it, maybe this will finally give that little green pansy some balls. Ain't nothing better than a well-fueled rage bomb to motivate even the weakest of wussies to become a real soldier. Let's hope Sloshie learned his lesson. Of course, I'd be happy to teach it to him again if he didn't. Many, many times, in fact.

Speaking of Sloshie... he hasn't been around lately. I stopped by the set to give him his weekly swirlie and he was nowhere to be found. Very suspicious. I'll have to keep an eye out for something retarded.

I am so sad right now... my fingers can barely type this.

Mr. Trunkalump was one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world. And now he is dead. And Slammo needs to pay for what he's done.
But how? I'm an entertainer, not a fighter... he would definitely win in a bare-knuckle brawl. But there are other ways to make him pay. I just need to figure out what those ways are.

For now, revenge will have to wait. But poetry won't:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Mr. Trunkalump

I miss you.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'll get you Slammo

If it's the last thing I do.

Can you taste my salty tears when I kiss you?

Keaton Transworld are a bunch of pussies. Seriously. I light their goddamn set on fire and they don't even do anything about it. Well, that's not entirely true, I guess.

They dragged me and that little bitch Sloshie into some lame-ass interrogation room and then they didn't even torture us! I was all set for some good old fashioned fuck-you face time, but all they did was talk to us. Talk! What a bunch of pussies. My respect for them just dropped faster than Little Boy from a B-29.

Whatever.

One small piece of unfinished business: the egg. At the end of our pilot episode a crate cracked open and this big egg rolled out of it. It looked really familiar, but I can't place where I'd seen it before. I stashed it on the set so I don't forget about it.

Oh, and I ran into Sonny again. Just as I thought, he was really pissed at Sloshie. He asked if there was any update about hiring his union crickets for the show. I told him Sloshie handled that and only had one question for them, "Are they still gay?"

I've never seen a cricket turn red before. I can't wait to see what Sonny does about this.

I can't believe we had to be interrogated after our last show! This is all Slammo's fault, of course. That robot has been nothing but a pain in my Astroturf since day one! Maybe he'll figure out that his NEW orders are to try to be as Jamboriffic as I am and to make Keaton Transworld successful in their mission to entertain!

So, anyway, I spoke with an executive after our "meeting" (I think she may even be related to Harper Keaton, founder of Keaton Transworld! How awesumptious is that?!). She was really sweet and I think we were TOTALLY on the same page. We talked about lots of stuff... the show, me on the show, kittens, clouds... all my favorite things! I think she totally gets me and recognizes my charisma and stage presence. Did I mention she has the cutest laugh? No? Well, she does!

Also... Mr. Trunkalump, my elephantastic pal, is here! We've been rehearsing with all his furry friends and our next episode of Jamboree is going to be AMAZING! Seriously, folks! Tune in!